Bride - Ali Hazelwood

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Book Review on Bride by Ali Hazelwood

An Overly Honest and Unnecessarily Explicit Book Review by LemondropBooktalks

Let's waste no time and dive right into this current popular favorite in the online book community: Bride by Ali Hazelwood. Honestly, I felt so lukewarm about this book. For perspective, let me list the things I love about Hazelwood’s books:

1. The quirky main characters

2. The fact that these women are driven by something other than love (usually careers and science)

3. The fun contemporary setting. 

This book though . . . lacked a lot of those things

First, let's talk about that quirky main character. She was fun! Misery, which WOW what a fitting name for such an edgy character with a horrible life, was definitely quirky in an emo way. I really enjoyed this aspect as I rarely read a female romance lead that would listen to My Chemical Romance and Pierce Veil Bride (if Misery was into human culture, of course). She was quirky in a way that 14 year old me would have loved. Was she quirky in the way that Ali Hazelwood characters typically are? No. I know I know, I can hear you all now: “no one wants the same book” or “you would bitch if she wrote the same character over and over again, so how can you bitch about this?” And the answer is, quite frankly, you’re right. There is no winning. If she was a repeat of Olive and Elsie (Fuck Bee - no further comment) I would have called Hazelwood out on it. If she wasn’t, as is the case here, I would fume because I am not getting the character I signed up for while reading this novel by this author. There is no winning. So I’m sorry. It makes no sense. But this is my review so you’re going to have to live with it. I want another Olive and Elsie. I want formulaic. I want my Ali Hazelwood Leading Lady.

The next problem with Misery was that she had no drive. Every Hazelwood Leading Lady has drive. There was NOTHING there for Misery. She was . . . boring. She cared about one person, her BFF, and to be completely honest, she didn’t even do that well. She got distracted fucking a werewolf. Like ??? My guy - If you cared about Girl Who’s Name I Forget Because We Did Such A Bad Job At Giving A Shit About Her (it’s Serena. I got up off my couch and grabbed my annotated copy - YES I SPENT MY MONEY ON A BRAND NEW COPY - and looked it up) then maybe we would have been a bit more focused on that than werewolf dick. But, then again, I am not personally into werewolves and might be missing the attraction to this distraction. Regardless, Misery lacked direction. Her lack of motivation is even the whole fucking point of the novel. It continuously points this out. Even Serena tells Misery she needs her “to care about one single fucking thing” (Hazelwood 255). Misery fails to give a single fuck about anyone but Serena and (eventually) Lowe. Even at the end Misery has nothing. When offered a seat on the Vampyre council, she rejects it (Hazelwood 365). Which, fair. I get it girl: “fuck the Vampyres” (Hazelwood 365). But still, Misery ends with nothing but being obsessed with Serena, Lowe, and adorable Ana. Which . . . is fine? But BFFR. We read Hazelwood romances for a few reasons, one of them being the smart and driven women that narrate the stories. Misery was so boring compared to the badass women in STEM Hazelwood usually provides for us. I got genuine whiplash from Misery. And I hated it.

Moving from my hate rant on Misery … Let's talk about Hazelwood’s typical contemporary setting I love. Oh wait, we can’t. Why? Because it DID NOT EXIST. This was an . . . urban fantasy? Again, BFFR! This was the most thinly veiled urban fantasy on the romance novel market. The werewolves, vampires, and their place in society was not explained. Like I know Misery was an outlier and didn’t understand anything, but that cannot be an excuse as to why your readers do not know anything. We can still be in Misery’s head and confused with here WHILE we learn more about the world. Instead of having characters be like “Oh we can’t tell you that Misery” or “you should already know that,” maybe use this moment as a chance to tell your readers what the fuck happens in this botched magical realism world. Hazelwood slays contemporaries set in academic or science communities. She, unfortunately, threw a complete gutterball with this urban fantasy. I get that urban fantasy does not require a ton of world building but it needs way more than what this book gives (which is none). This book did not mix romance and urban fantasy well enough for me.

Speaking of the world, politics were totally underdeveloped. Since we didn’t build up the world properly, any time interacting with people in power or legal things occurred, I gave no shits. And I wanted to. I really, really did. I love political drama in my reading. I love leader drama and two groups fighting (I am a recovering Cassandra Clare fan - I love my urban fantasies filled with smutty, terrible romance and totally dramatic politics). It’s exciting to understand fictional cultures. But this book lacked ALL of that. So. It was mid. And every scene including politics was boring.

Lastly, the thing that we all care about most in our romances: the romantic pairing. The reason we are all here. And I liked the couple…enough. It was fine for the first half of the book. Like: vibes. We love the biting for you Misery, happy you are into it. Get it girl. But then it got weird. You’re gonna tell me we don’t get to know shit about politics and the world, but we get a complete werewolf anatomy lesson? And this lesson includes telling us that werewolves have a weird thing about their dick where they HAVE to come inside? Dude. What. I’m sorry. I? Okay what? If you aren’t gonna create a real authentic world where I understand the politics, then you have no right to make me read about weird genitals. Plus, if this was just meant to be a hot, smutty turn on, I did not like it. It was horrific to read.

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My final thoughts: Ali Hazelwood is a good romance writer and she deserves the hype . . . for her other books. The only reason people are saying this book is good is because they are shocked that this light omegaverse-vampire-and-werewolf glorified fanfic isn’t actual ass. And it’s not, to be fair. It was readable. Was it enjoyable? One could argue either way. Depends on your taste and how much you stand by Reylo Fanfi- I mean The Love Hypothesis (no hate, I love that book too. But lets be real, we all are only here reading the other books because we are chasing that OG high) (hot takes are steaming up in here).

If you like Ali Hazelwood I would only read it if you REALLY like her. If you want a flashback to some old fanfics about vampyres and werewolves (because some people read that #cannotrelate), then go for it. If you want a good romance? Pick another book. Literally any one. Any other book is gonna do your favorite trope better than this. Seriously.

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Works Cited

Hazelwood, Ali. Bride. Berkley, 2024.